


The weight of empty words

by L0serVille (HeyDreichInTheCradle)



Category: Marvel, Marvel (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, F/M, M/M, Men Crying, Mental Anguish, Mental Health Issues, POV Steve Rogers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-22
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2020-05-16 18:21:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19323580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeyDreichInTheCradle/pseuds/L0serVille
Summary: Steve was always torn between the right way and the patriotic one.At least this time, he knew which choice to make.Even if it might just kill him.





	The weight of empty words

The world was dark, silent apart from the steady thud of trainers against concrete. Cool night air hit Steve's face as he ran, gasping for breath. He'd been doing a lot of running lately. It had always been a release, an escape when emotions bubbled inside his chest and threatened to boil over, the thump of his heart and pain in his lungs distracting him from reality. Since Tony and Natasha had gone, it had become his only respite. But the pain was always there, more than physical, burning his lungs worse than any marathon, seizing his chest and forcing him onto his knees. Any idle moments were consumed by memories, any time he closed his eyes he was tormented by their faces. It was easier to block it all out, any way he could.

As he rounded a corner, he began to feel the now familiar choking of tears, and slowed to a halt, staring at the dimly lit streets around him. He had no right to be affected like this, he thought, self-loathing curling around his throat like poison. The kid had lost a father figure, Nick had lost two of his best team members, Clint had lost...something. Here he was, crying like a child as the rest of the world slowly moved on without him. Maybe that was his problem, maybe he was destined to be trapped in the past after all. The thought filled him with something hollow and heavy, lodged near his heart. He needed to a stop crying, to get this pain off his chest. He forced himelf to stand a little straighter, wiped his eyes, and set off at a run back to the base, back to familliar territory.

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''Nothing is certain after this.'' Nick stood in front of the circle of greivers, face solemn. ''But we may have a chance of making one last round trip back in time.'' The room was silent for a few moment, before erupting in confused murmurs. Steve's heart skipped a beat, already waiting for the inevitable ''We can't risk it'' echoed through the group - but it never came. Only whispers building up into a frenzy of questions, which Nick quickly silences with a raise of his hand. ''Now I know exactly what you're all going to ask, because it was exactly what I did ask: Yes, only one of us can go; Yes, it's a huge risk; No Parker - you can't be the one going.''

There was a small chuckle from the circle, and a sniff from Peter, which was quickly turned into a cough. Steve barely noticed the commotion, already his heart was set on beating out of his chest. He could hardly imagine a future with Tony shaking the hand of some tech excecutive as he finalised another new initiative, of Natasha building somewhere to help others and teasing him about his love life. All this time, he hadn't even let himself imagine it, the pain of faliure too much for him to bear, made worse by the hope he now felt somewhere in his stomach, fluttering like wings beating in the night. Nick slowly, painfully explained the details, but Steve tuned out his voice, finally bringing himself to stare at the person he knew this would mean the most to.

Pepper sat, tears glistening in her eyes as Morgan wriggled in her lap. She crooned into her ear something Steve couldn't make out, and tickled her softly. She caught his eye, managed a small smile, and Steve suddenly had to look away. She had lost the one person she adored, was faced with the prospect of her child only hearing about her father out of history textbooks and memories, and was still plastering on a smile. Here he was, making this about him, when really he knew it was so much more than that. It was about the lives of everyone the two had touched, who now walked through the days filled with loss. 

''I'm going.'' Every head in the room turned to him, questions fillling their eyes. Steve pushed back his anxieties, and began to talk. ''I know I wasn't half as close to either Natasha or Tony as some of you.'' He let his eyes fall on the rest of the group. ''But, like it or not, I'm the person here with the least to lose.'' He ignored the protests coming from Parker and Bruce, and Pepper's eyes filled with pain. He focused on a chipped spot on the wall, staring ahead. ''If this works, and they come back, we'll all gain. If not, and I'm trapped - well I've lived through this century once before.'' And he knew it was true, knew that no matter how much he pretended he was the same as the others, this was the best thing he could hope to do. A last chance was more than he deserved.

                                                  --------------------------------------------

He realised with a steady certaincy that it was his helplessness that hurt the most then, the torn hurt of someone who knew they could have done better. He could have saved Natasha, he could have stopped Tony, but he let himself be so consumed by his self-importance that he half forgot the lives at stake. And it cost everyone something, him the least of all. He played with that thought as he waited, twisting his fingers. 

''Are you sure you want to do this?'' It was Bruce, from his seat at the controls. He gave a quick thumbs up, mind replaying to Pepper's face, to Clint's sharp grin. He thought back to the crushing loneliness he felt, his guilt at not saying the right things, at taking the patriotic path over the right one time and time again. Resolve hardened in his stomach, the same resolve that had led to won battles time and time again. 

''Mhm. Ready as I'll ever be.'' Bruce nodded in response, smiling over at him. Somehow his words seemed hollow, but he pushed the thought away, trusting the other man would understand the meaning behind them.

''Then all I'm gonna say is good luck.'' Nerves bubbled in his stomach, seizing his muscles as he fidgeted slightly. They weren't sure where he was going to end up, only that it would be at some point during all three of their lifetimes. The thought of all that ambiguity didn't exactly fill Steve with confidence, but he'd come too far to back out now. He stared around the room, nerves fluttering and wondering if he'd ever see it again. For all his bravado at around the circle, now the moment was here, he wanted nothing more than to step away and let someone else handle things. But he was Captain America, and that meant doing the best thing for his people, no matter how dangerous. No matter how much marching and shows he did, he was only as good as his actions, and deep down he knew he'd made some terrible decisions along the way. But this was a do-over, a chance to start fresh.

He held on to that thought as the world went dark.


End file.
